Deep Thoughts and Creative Ruts.

Contemplating life with "Blackout" the chicken

Mistakes are hard.  I know the saying "you learn from your mistakes" all too well.  I'm starting to feel like a pro at making mistakes. I'm one of those people who's not afraid of jumping in and trying something.  "You'll learn as you go" is another, and I do.  But there isn't much comfort in those words when something doesn't work out.  Disappointment, shame, failure aren't easy to overcome.

You may have noticed I haven't been blogging for the past couple months.  I've been going through the process of reevaluating where to spend my time and energy.  Having a creative business is fantastic most of the time.  But when you take a look at your time/energy spent vs. what's in your bank account, it can sometimes be a little disheartening. Doing my taxes this year is what made me reflect on why I'm doing Deeds & Petunia and what I want to get out of all this.

My priorities.

My two kids are my #1 priority, of course.  I am so lucky to be able to be here for them and take an active role in their lives as a stay-at-home mom.  I truly believe in the long run it will make a difference.  But they go to school all day and I get bored easily.  Deeds & Petunia started on a whim when I found a bunch of really great vintage trims and notions at an estate sale and I thought "I could sell these online, I bet."  That endeavor to make a little extra money and cure my boredom sparked a fire of creativity in me, and before I knew it I was crafting up a storm.  A friend suggested I try my hand at veil and fascinator making.  It worked out pretty well and I would say I was a fairly successful seller on Etsy for a while.  As a start-up micro-business, I had a positive cash flow in the first two years.  I found great validation in feeling like I was doing something right.

But veils and fascinators are not my passion and I got pretty burned out.  It wasn't a mistake (it was anything but a mistake), but it wasn't fun or flexible anymore.  I found myself counting sales instead of counting all the accomplishments, all the great connections I've made, all the creative growth.   I wanted to move away from wedding accessories and into writing and blogging, and working on becoming more of a creative resource for people.  But I felt like I had no wind in my sails - I couldn't do what it takes to basically start from scratch again.

I knew it was time to take a break.

So of course, I started Real Estate School. (?!?!)

Which I really enjoyed.  I knew I would be good at it.  The money was tempting.  And I do love the thrill of making a sale.  But my heart was not in it.  It's not what I'm "called" to do.  I'm not sure it would provide me with the job satisfaction I desire.  Maybe it was a mistake.  Yeah, probably.  I didn't want to quit because of the whole failure thing and I didn't hate it.  Sigh.  So now I'm feeling a little lost.

Ultimately, my big question in life right now is, if I'm going to spend time and energy on a business, what is the most satisfying way to do it?  The most meaningful?  The most lucrative?  Should I just go work at Starbucks? (probably no.)  It's stressful.  I don't want to make another mistake.

Maybe I could intern?

I think I'm walking through one of those valleys where you have to just trust that God knows where you are supposed to be.  I'm trying different paths to find my way up that mountain again where I'll feel like I'm on top of the world.  I think it starts with looking at where I've been and not taking that for granted.  I woke up this morning and the first thing I did was sit down and blog.  This feels like something.

Frankly, I don't know what I'm seeking.  I remember the simple feeling of satisfaction I get when I create something beautiful.  Or when I get to write up a tutorial and someone says "thank you!" feels great.  Having my work published feels super AWESOME.  People don't respond often on the blog or my Facebook page (maybe I'm not as interesting as I previously thought), but when they do, I feel connected and so happy to bring a smile to someone else's face (at least that's what I like to think you're doing.  Smiling.)  I like that a lot.  :)

Linus...

 If you pray, keep me in your prayers.  I'm so scared of making another mistake, that I've lost my courage and don't know what my gut is telling me to do anymore.  But I'm going to keep on blogging.  It feels like the only thing I can really do at this point.  Some of it might be about crafting, but you might also have to read a lot about Linus my cat, or my ovaries (which are testy lately) or 80's pop music.  It'll probably be mostly for me for a while, so I don't know if you'll even find it interesting, but if you do, let me know.  It will help keep me going until I figure things out.  There might even be a nugget of inspiration in there somewhere (for both of us.)

Thanks for reading.